My Online Dating Fails Written By Me in 2014

This is an old post I wrote in 2014 about how awful I felt online dating was. I find this hilarious because since then, I found the love of my life online.

I wanted to share this old post because it outlines some key points on what not to do when it comes to online dating by using my awful examples from 2014 as a learning tool! When I read back on my old posts, I wrote so differently, I cursed a lot and it’s crazy how much of a difference I see in myself of only 3 years. So brace yourself for the foul-mouthed, truthfully spoken and vulgar 22 year old me who enjoyed using too many typed emojis and exclamation marks. Here are the very real situations I got myself into as a result of online dating…

DON’T do it!

It’s the best advice I can give you! Just don’t. No one should be left feeling so lonely, dying for the ride or all of the above to the point they’d think online dating would ever be a good idea! Been there and I’m never going back again ever!

Online dating is clever the way it’s done because as soon as you set up an account, in come 20 messages all at once from these average-sexy guys and you’re thinking “Fuck, I thought I was good but not this good! I’m some playa!”

 When really it’s because you’re fresh meat to a herd of horny toads that are after literally going through every other girl on the site, so you’re a nice, new play thing for them! But you won’t realise this until you’ve been on it a while, then you’ll begin to learn just like I did.

I remember when I first started up on Plenty Of Fish (POF) and I got brave and put up a picture of myself on my profile. The messages rolled in, and since I was only on it a day I thought this was a great idea and why didn’t more use it. I had so many conversations with different guys but many conversations fizzled out quickly because beginning a conversation with “Wanna have some fun?” didn’t really appeal to me. So inbox restrictions were put on straight away. No one wants to see that shit! Could you imagine if your ‘How We Met’ story was “Yeah, we met online, he mailed me a picture of his cock and I was on it like Donkey Kong!” Chaaaaarming! 

The conversations that lasted longer than an hour were worse because it would start with “Hi hw r u?” so automatically you’re thinking great here are the thicks now out to get me, and all they’ll talk about is drinking and cars. That’s how to win a girl over anyways, talking about yourself and how drunk you’re going to get every other day, you sound like some babe! Pfffft! Next!

Then there’s the potentials, the very RARE potentials that you happen to chat to and arrange meeting up. It took me being on the site for about a month before I even considered going on a real date. Irish people don’t date, we just don’t! We go out looking sexy, target people we like and make sure we get drunk near them so eventually we end up shifting, that’s how romance happens! But this whole thing of meeting up for a coffee or some shit is just so fake, ugh. If only they were more natural!

So the first date I would of been not long gone 20 and working in Dublin. We had arranged to meet in a pub on Dame Street that I hadn’t drank in before. The time was for 7pm roughly I think, and I was bricking it! Not because of the guy, I wasn’t too pushed on him either way, I just wanted my first date over with and my nerves were pestering me like fuck!

I walked around the pub I’d say about 3 or 4 times before I finally had the nerve to walk in. Can you picture how scary it is to walk into a bar, alone, to meet up with a 25 year old you don’t know whatsoever, find him because you’ve never seen him in person before and then sit down and chat away about life. IT JUST MAKES FUCK ALL SENSE!! It’s actually crazy if you put it like that, but the things you do when you’re single, ah sure we all know that story!

Luckily when I walked in he was standing right at the bar and I meekly walked over and said hi. He seemed okay, but a bit shy, and instantly I was put off when he said “Are you gonna buy a drink or…?” In my head I’m thinking “Well he seems like a gent anyways, a fucking tight bastard of a gent!” So that was it, I was buying a vodka ‘cos I was going to need it!

We sat down and sat at opposite ends of a table and both of our body language said it all, turned away from each other, trying to get the drink down as quick as we could, we both wanted to get out ASAP! The time seemed to drag like nothing I’ve ever known before. He got up to use the toilet, and as a girl I creeped on him. Ugh not my type at all. Skinny, BRIGHT green jumper, skinny jeans. Go fuck off, the only person to pull that style off would be Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory ‘cos he’s cool, but this guy was just boring!

I wasn’t as out spoken as I am now at the time, so I waited for him to suggest going, so it made it even more awkward and eventually I pipped up about me getting my bus home and having work in the morning. He walked me across the road to my bus stop and my bus was 5 minutes away. 5 MORE minutes making awkward conversations with a guy I really didn’t want to look at let alone be civil with! 

To add to it, this guy felt the need to say “Can I be straight with you?” Ah here we go! So he proceeded to say he wasn’t interested because I was the same age as his sister and it would be really weird for him. Even though my age is clearly on the site and we had talked before about it?! I felt like saying “Here skinny, tip on with yourself!” So, SO awkward because he then hugged me as if to say “There, there.” Oh my God, where the hell is my bus is all that’s running through my mind! It was still another 2 minutes away and after his hug I was like “You don’t need to wait, I’m fine here cheers!” So without hesitation, gone. And the WAVE of relief of him walking away was indescribable!!! Stupid bus!

Awkward. Uncomfortable. Boring. But atleast I got a vodka out of it, even though I paid for it. Scabby bastard. Whoever he’s with now is one unfortunate woman. Bless!

The sad part is, this was one of the good dates I had from online dating. This story will make you cringe to the Moon and back. So deep breaths, here I go!

I had been chatting with a pretty good looking guy from Westmeath for about 2 weeks or there about and we got on pretty well. He seemed funny and chatting wasn’t very forced which was a nice change to what I was used to dealing with. The way our schedules worked he would go to college in Tallaght all week and head home every Friday evening. So this guy suggested I met up with him in Tallaght Friday and we’d get a lift with his friend to Westmeath where we’d spend the weekend together and I’d head back Sunday. WHAT A FUCKING EDJIT I WAS!!!!!! 

Seriously! I can’t imagine myself being so naive and if I could go back and advise dopey 20 year old Doey I would love to go back to that point in my life because it was VERY stupid of me! No one knew I was going to meet this guy, no one even knew I was chatting with him except for my sister Shannon who was in Kilkenny, everyone else assumed I was just in Dublin working away and doing fuck all at the weekend. 

So I met up in Burger King with this guy and straight away, he looked weird from his picture. I mean it was him, but definitely wasn’t the same in his pictures. That was my first alarm bell that I ignored. Secondly, I had only sat down 2 minutes and already he was wrecking my head. I can still remember clearly how much I thought “get the FUCK out of here!!” But I brushed passed those thoughts too.

I went into the bathroom after 15 minutes with this guy to re-evaluate the situation. I was so sweaty too so needed to deal with that shit! Sake! I was looking at myself in the mirror and kept saying “It’s okay, don’t judge too quickly, he’s probably a nice lad. It’s not like you can’t go with him, you’ve already agreed to go off with him to Westmeath.” Ehh, OF COURSE you can change your mind last minute when on a first date no matter WHAT has be pre-planned in advance! I was just too much of a push over a few years ago, some change now guys wooo! 

We walked out to meet his friend in his car (another stranger) and we began to drive towards Westmeath. My date sat in the front seat, and while I sat in the back staying as quiet as ever, realised just how dangerous a situation I was putting myself into. Again no one knew where I was going or the guy I was going with, I didn’t even know the driver.

We got to his house after what seemed like forever, and I’m relieved this didn’t play out like it could of in the worst circumstances on television. He lived with his mam who was really nice and I got along with her and her pet dog!

My date said he was heading over to the local pub to play darts so we could go for a drink and when we headed out I met his few dart friends and had a laugh with them. But I still didn’t like my date’s company, he made me feel very uneasy, so I stuck to groups when we were out, but stupidly knocked back my drink to block it all out, and eventually after how much vodka I do not know, my date seemed a little better with beer goggles on. When we went back to his house, you know what happens, but he was very forceful to the point I wanted him to stop but he wouldn’t. His mam had already told him straight out no messing with girls under her roof, but that didn’t phase him. He wouldn’t stop touching me, he was thinking I was playing when I tried to push him off, it was so bad and so scary. He was so drunk that he finally left and went to bed, and I absolutely balled my eyes out. I felt so degraded and completely helpless and I was feeling so shit about myself that I didn’t know what to do. The bus stop back to Dublin was 3 miles away and I couldn’t say look I want to go, I didn’t want to seem rude, this is how much of a walk over I was. So I stayed. Like a fucking wimp.

The next day I woke up and felt so disgusted with myself and to be honest I should of. I got down to the kitchen with his mam cooking and the smell made me get sick in the sink right where she was cooking, what a mess! 

He came down for breakfast and his presence made my skin crawl! He tried flirting with me under the table but at this stage I wasn’t even tolerating him. I made it very clear I had no interest. Just without saying it directly. So he probably didn’t cop on. Men, eh?! More like women not being clear enough for our fellow cavemen to fuck right off! Whichever it was, he was so annoying!

That evening the creep (he shall now be known as for the rest of this story!) said he was going out to play darts and I said I wasn’t going out I wanted to watch the soaps with his mam, so he said no hassle and went out for a few hours and I was again so relieved to just be in protective company. I rang Shanny that night too and balled my eyes out and even she’d tell you how shit I felt about everything that had gone on so far. She first thought I was so stupid, but at the time I was so scared that she began feeling sorry for me in my situation, I kept saying how time was going by so slow and I didn’t want to stay anymore I wanted to go home. Of course she couldn’t do anything, but it was nice just to talk to someone. (Love ya Shan-Fan!) She’s always there for my stupid decisions to tell me how stupid I’m being and also to say it’s ok.

I went to bed early before the creep came back thinking he’d stay out. I was wrong. Late in the night he came in and tried to divil with me, again I said no and he was drunk and pretty aggressive, but I knew his mam would give out to him if she heard anything happening in her house, so I got angry and told him fuck off and raised my voice. So he was scared off and I curled up into my duvet waiting for tomorrow to come.

Woke up and I was so happy! FINALLY it was Sunday! I got up and started getting dressed, he walked in on me even though I shouted get out and he put his hands around my waist. I told him get off, but he laughed and thought I was joking. So I repeated it more angrily and then he turned it on me saying “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed!” Get lost you sexual predator, you’re going to end up in jail with guys bumming you anyways so FUCK RIGHT OFF! 

He went downstairs and I went into the bathroom for the morning piddle. I could hear him shouting up the stairs something at me but all I could say was I’m in the bathroom I’ll be out in a minute. I heard him walk up the stairs and through the door he asked what did I want from the chipper. Ugh he was seriously pissing me off now. “I don’t know, I’m on the toilet I’ll be out in a minute!!” Then I could hear movement of some sort of furniture, and his bathroom had a glass window above the door, and out of nowhere, there’s the creepy fucker peering in the window above the bathroom door leering at me while I pee CASUALLY asking me what I wanted from the chipper!!!!!

You could NOT make this shit up! I wish I was but I’m not. Eww. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!! I swear, even typing this I’m enraged by how he carried on, and thought it was all hilarious. I growled at him to get away and he laughed in my face. Degraded isn’t even the word.

I didn’t have any food in the end and said not even the bare minimum to this guy until I finally got lifted back to The Square in Tallaght. He walked me over to the door where he tried to hug me but I just said “See ya!” and walked to the Luas. He was well gone and if I ever saw him again I’d box his pervy face into the ground. Anyone who feels like murdering someone, please message me and I’ll give you his Facebook name, no problem! Hitmen welcome! 🙂

Guys, I was so so stupid. You’re all thinking it as you read that entire story. I met up with a guy online after 2 weeks of chatting, drove with him and another stranger over an hour to Westmeath to a strange area for an entire weekend. I was so lucky nothing murderous happened because in this day and age it’s not unheard of. That’s my point. I was VERY lucky. Lucky that I wasn’t dumped at the side of the road by 2 strangers who just picked up a young girl, lucky that when I went to his house his mam lived there and there was some sort of protection if it came to it. If he had of lived alone, I dread to think the endless possibilities to what could of happened. Anyone I know probably would of never thought I’d be so stupidly naive, but it happens, and when you’re in that situation, it’s easy to go along with a lad you like and try to get along with him until it gets to the point you’re doing more than you’re even comfortable with just to keep them sweet.

That’s probably my most dramatic story I’ve lived through in general, let alone when it comes to online dating. And I wanted to share that story with you guys under this blog post because there could come a day when any of you, lads or girls, come across yourself in the online dating pool, and if things get a bit weird, or you feel out of your depth, do not under any circumstances brush past alarm bells or instincts you may be having with someone. Instincts are our natural alarm to say this is not a good situation to be in and you must learn to trust it.

My last experience of online dating was the funniest. The guy’s name was Dick Cummins. I swear to God it was!!! Well, he called himself Rich or Richie Cummins, but Richard is Dick, so I dated a Dick Cummins. Let’s just all ponder that for a minute…..

Tee-Hee! 😀

He was alright at the start, but again, after a few dates, I was in Kilkenny and he texted me saying he’s not ready for dating, I’m so nice but he doesn’t feel he’s in the right mindset, he has a lot of issues at the minute.. you know, just pure bullshit! So I was a bit upset because I was starting to like this guy, but I said fuck it, how could I ever introduce him to anyone I know with his name, even I couldn’t take him seriously can you imagine all of you crazies meeting him knowing his name is Dick Cummins! Graig would have a field day!!

2 weeks of me feeling like a failure in the dating pool and I decided to shut down my account. I didn’t need to be pimping myself out online to strangers to judge me by one date that was more an interview than a date. You’re just putting yourself into the hands of someone who thinks they’re better than you or vice versa, and it’s all about firstly how you look on your profile, then how you look in person. There could of been a million average looking guys who I could of got along great with, but because online dating, or dating in general, is very fickle, people, good people, fall through the cracks and are left feeling unworthy!

It just goes to show, for me, when it comes to finding someone, you’re better off not looking. Why put yourself through all the confidence shattering aspect of online dating? Just in the off chance you might find your soul mate?! Trust me, your soul mate is not on fucking Plenty Of Fish, unless you’re like these straight girls chatting to guys and then go on Catfish to find out they’ve actually been talking to a girl and then realise they’re gay too and fall in love. Would you get knotted! Talk about settling!! Fucking weirdos. And no I’m not homophobic, I’m anti-desperate people who will ride anything and have every right to dislike those kinds of people, thanks very much! 😀

And there you have it! My online dating antics of 2014. How ironic is it that 2 years later I would be back online dating for not even a week and now be in the happiest, most romantic and trusting relationship of my life with my gorgeous Seany.

I love how blogging allowed me to snapshot my experiences of online dating and I find it interesting on how clearly my ways of expression and views/opinions have changed so dramatically in only 3 years.

I want to follow this post with another one outlining how I found true love online. Because why not give the 26 year old version of online dating too? 🙂


Tell me your online dating experiences below! I’d love to hear them! 


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